Tonight with your 9 to 12 year old
The prompt
“Was there ever a time you thought a rule was unfair and actually said so out loud?”
What to listen for
If they can describe speaking up respectfully and how it went, they're testing whether their voice is welcome even when it challenges authority, take the content of their argument seriously, regardless of whether the rule changed.
If they say they never would because it wouldn't matter, that's worth sitting with, they may believe pushing back isn't safe or worth it, and could use an invitation to try it with you specifically.
If they say "I don't know," ask about a rule right now that feels unfair and see if that turns into the real conversation.
What this tells you
This tells you whether they believe their opinion can actually influence the rules that govern their life.