Tonight with your 9 to 12 year old
The prompt
“What's your favorite way to be silly with the whole family at once?”
What to listen for
If they light up describing a specific moment, a dance, a voice, a game everyone plays along with, that shared silliness is doing real work building their sense that this family is fun to belong to, not just functional.
If they say the family doesn't really do that, take that as useful information rather than a criticism, it might be worth creating more low-stakes silly moments on purpose.
If they say "I don't know," bring up a specific memory of everyone laughing together and ask if they remember it too.
What this tells you
This shows you whether lightness and play feel like a normal, expected part of family life to them.